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If you are in or have been in a relationship with someone, you have experienced conflicts. And disagreements are bound to happen even in the best of relationships. Because when you put two people together, it’s a sure bet they will occasionally have differing opinions. So learning how to have healthy responses to conflicts rather than avoiding them is crucial.

Things can certainly get dicey when conflicts arise. I think of the TV show, Everybody Loves Raymond. Ray and Debra could fight like no other. However, if they were married in real life and acted that way, significant harm would have unquestionably come to the relationship. So while the make-believe fights were hysterical on TV, I recommend handling them more respectfully and positively to strengthen the bond between those involved. I can only cover some things there is to know about resolving conflicts in one blog. Still, I can give you some healthy ways to respond when you dispute with a relational partner.

HEALTHY RESPONSES TO CONFLICTS

Being able to recognize and respond to important matters

It’s vital to come together to discuss both sides of the issue. Explain to each other exactly what the conflict involves. At this stage, you say what you want and listen to what your partner wants.

The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing

A healthy relationship involves a give-and-take mentality. In other words, compromise. If you expect to get what you want 100% of the time, you will only set yourself up for disappointment. Compromising takes each person doing their part to ensure a reasonable exchange.

In regards to punishing, sometimes, out of hurt or anger, people want to punish the other person when they don’t get their way during a conflict. This response not only does nothing to help the situation but, in fact, makes the situation far worse and causes more hurtful feelings.

Having the willingness to forgive and forget

This might be one of the harder healthy responses to conflicts. However, resolving the conflict is impossible if you are unwilling or unable to forgive. Holding onto grudges from past hurts or resentments makes it extremely hard to focus on the current situation. Unfortunately, our brains do not come equipped with a reset button regarding forgetting. We cannot just press “erase” and “reset” to clear out all unpleasant memories. 

So when I say “forgive and forget,” it doesn’t mean you will not remember a past offense. It just means that after you forgive, you choose to remember with no ill will toward the other person. It’s important to remember when you can’t forgive someone, it is a weight that YOU carry that will negatively affect your life and the people around you.

A belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties 

Both partners must view their conflict as a problem to be solved by them. It isn’t about one or the other getting the best deal for themselves but finding the best solution for them. They each have to actively participate and make an effort and commitment to work hard together, finding fair and acceptable solutions to both as the goal.

SKILLS TO UTILIZE DURING A CONFLICT

Manage stress while remaining calm

Managing and relieving stress in the heat of the moment is key to staying balanced, focused, and in control of yourself. Otherwise, you will become overwhelmed and need help to respond healthily and constructively. The best way to quickly and reliably relieve stress other than talking to someone close by is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. However, because each person responds differently to sensory input, you need to discover things that are soothing to you.

By staying calm, you will be more in tune with your feelings. In addition, you will also be able to hear what the other person is saying and be able to pick up on their non-verbal communication as well. 

Having emotional awareness

Emotions drive our behavior. But, many individuals don’t know how or why they feel a certain way. So for them, they are likely to need help communicating effectively or resolving disagreements. Even though it sounds simple enough, not everyone is in touch with their own feelings. Many ignore or try to stifle strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. However, connecting to these feelings is essential to handling conflict and enjoying better relationships.

Control your emotions and behavior

Be open, honest, and remain respectful. Communicate your needs without threats, deception, manipulation, or attempts at punishing the other person. Mutual trust is a fundamental issue in a healthy, long-term relationship; neither partner should do anything to weaken it.

Having a negative or distrustful attitude is harmful to this process. Likewise, approaching the conflict with a superior (hard-nosed) attitude or a feeling of inferiority (being a soft touch) is also detrimental.

Pay attention to non-verbal communication

Have you ever been conversing with someone and heard their words but believed they were saying something different with their facial expressions or body movement? 

Sometimes the most important information exchanged during conflicts is communicated non-verbally. When we can “listen” for what is felt as well as what is being, “said,” we can connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions as well as to other people. Listening this way can help you determine what the other person is trying to communicate. 

Responding in a calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or a curious or engaged facial expression goes a long way toward easing a strained exchange. Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. Therefore, the more you are aware of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the non-verbal clues that can reveal what others are feeling.

Use humor

Once you control stress and emotion, your capacity for joy, pleasure, and playfulness is set free. You can avoid many confrontations and resolve conflicts by communicating humorously. However, let me make this perfectly clear. I can’t stress enough how important it is that you laugh with the other person and not at them. Otherwise, you will set off a whole new round of fighting, if you know what I mean.

When humor and play are used to lessen tension and anger or put the situation into perspective, the conflict becomes an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.

“Conflict can and should be handled constructively; when it is, relationships benefit. Conflict avoidance is NOT the hallmark of a good relationship. On the contrary, it is a symptom of serious problems and poor communication.” – Harriet B. Braiker

Most people would like to resolve their conflicts healthily, but for some, for various reasons, they have never learned how. And while the concept of “healthy conflict resolution” is easy to understand intellectually, it is not as easy to apply and use consistently. It can, however, become easier once the skills and trust are developed.

So, are you struggling with healthy responses to conflicts and wanting to explore better ways to resolve disputes positively and healthily? In that case, along with the tips listed above, working with a coach is an excellent way to learn additional techniques to enhance your conflict resolution skills. 

Hi, I’m Kris Henderson, and I am here to help. Please contact me or schedule your phone call today. And I look forward to offering you more personalized support as you develop the skills to have strong, healthy, and successful relationships moving forward.

This article originally appeared on Counseling Solutions of West Michigan.

Communication is one of life’s most essential skills. It’s a fundamental pillar of any relationship. And while we all talk and listen, how efficiently we carry that out is up for debate. Nevertheless, effective communication is vital to a healthy and happy relational partnership.

Within a relationship, two emotional human beings bring their own experiences, history, and expectations with different levels of communication skills. The good news is effective communication is a skill you can always learn and improve upon. 

Communication is a learned skill

We all began learning how to communicate as young tots. As a parent, I couldn’t wait until my children said their first words. So I would coax and praise them when they started talking. And when they began stringing words together to form sentences, I was sure I had birthed geniuses. But unfortunately, I don’t think I put as much effort into teaching them how to listen. In fact, as time went on, it became abundantly clear I had not!

Because we all learn how to communicate uniquely, it can be curious or frustrating when we find ourselves not being understood by the person we are trying to relate to.

Indeed, we can all attest that just because we hear someone talking to us does not always mean that we are listening to them. And unfortunately, some of us are much better at talking than listening. So, to have good communication in your relationship, you need to have both.

What is effective communication?

Authentic communication is so much more than just swapping information. It’s about grasping the emotion and intentions behind the statement. Effective communication is a two-way street. You want to convey your message so that it is received and understood precisely how you intended. Likewise, you want to listen in a way that enables you to gain the whole meaning of what is being said to make the other person feel heard and understood.

How to improve your communication skills

1 . Become an engaged listener  

People tend to focus only on what they want to say. Still, effective communication is less about talking and more about listening. Listening means understanding the information and emotions the speaker is trying to communicate to you. When genuinely engaged in what is being said, you will pick up on the subtle intonations in someone’s voice that tells you how that person is feeling, making them feel heard and understood, which can then help build a more robust and deeper connection. 

2. Pay attention to nonverbal signals  

We’ve all heard the adage, “Actions speak louder than words,” especially when we deeply care about what we are trying to communicate. The way we look, listen, and react to another person tells them more about how we feel than words alone can ever do. And if you have ever been on the receiving end of an eye roll, I’m sure you will heartily agree that this is true.  

Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movement gestures, eye contact, posture, tone of voice, breathing patterns, and even muscle tension. These signals indicate to the person you are communicating with if you are being truthful, whether or not you care, and how well you listen. When your nonverbal signals correspond with your words, they bring clarity, trust, and respect to the relationship. Conversely, nonverbal cues that don’t match your words can generate mistrust, tension, and confusion.

Understanding and using nonverbal communication can help you communicate what you mean, connect with others, work through challenging situations, and build better relationships with those at home and in general. 

3. Stay calm and in the present

Disagreements will happen. And when they do, you must be aware of and control your emotions. For example, suppose you are already feeling stressed about something. In that case, you are more likely to misread the other person and respond in a way you might regret later. Therefore, remaining calm will, in many cases, help the other person to stay calm. If need be, take a moment to destress yourself and the situation by taking a break until you feel relaxed enough to go forward. 

As far as staying in the present, stay on topic. Too often, when we are upset, we find ourselves bringing up past offenses and using them as ammunition to try and win the argument. That is not the time to bring up old hurts. Save that for another time when you are not in the middle of a dispute, keeping it from escalating and growing larger. 

4. Create and maintain a respectful relationship

Mutual respect is a straightforward concept. It means that you treat your partner thoughtfully and courteously. However, sustaining respect throughout a relationship takes effort. Because we are human, if someone begins to treat us negatively, inconsiderately, and disrespectfully, we tend to respond in kind. When you set that pattern, it feeds on itself. The disrespect grows until most interactions contain sarcasm, inconsideration, criticism, accusatory, and demeaning behavior. Sometimes the lack of respect isn’t so apparent, though. Ignoring your partner or indifferently responding might be more subtle but is equally corrosive to the relationship. 

Everyone desires to be valued for who they are and what they bring to the relationship—mutual differences in thoughts, feelings, and values being accepted and respected. When disagreements arise, it’s okay to be angry, but you should also remain respectful. And if you need to express a negative thought, you can do it positively. You can be assertive by expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly while respecting others and not being aggressive, hostile, or demanding. Effective communication is not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on others but understanding the other person.

Ask most therapists, and they will tell you that good communication is at the heart of any successful relationship–Sophie Winters

Developing your communication skills and abilities is a lifelong process. And while nobody is a perfect communicator, you can work to communicate better by trying a few of these suggestions. In addition, working with a coach is an excellent way to learn additional techniques to enhance communication skills.

Hi, I’m Kris Henderson. I want you to know that I am here to help. If you are looking for better communication in your relationships, consider being the one making an effort to improve, which hopefully will encourage the other to come along for the ride. If you want more personalized support, I invite you to contact me or schedule your phone call today.

This article originally appeared on Counseling Solutions of West Michigan.

Have you experienced cruising through life with things going smoothly, and you hit a bump in the road out of nowhere, causing you to slow down or even come to a screeching halt? Of course, I am referring to being confronted with an event that has stretched the limits of your average ability to cope with the unexpected making it hard for you to continue your daily routine. 

Loss of a job, loss of a loved one, divorce, serious illness, or experiencing a stressful or traumatic event such as a crime, accident, or natural disaster could all be considered a stressful situation that overwhelms your usual coping mechanisms. The event could even be perceived as being positive (marriage, starting a new job), but the stress associated with the event has exceeded your ability to cope with the unexpected.

The event doesn’t necessarily have to happen to you, it could happen to a loved one, and you are affected by watching them go through it.

We naturally experience emotional and mental responses when we go through these situations. But, of course, every person reacts differently, and there really is no right or wrong way to feel. You might even find yourself saying, “I feel depressed.” But are you experiencing true depression?

Situational depression. What is it?

What you could be experiencing is called Situational Depression which is a short-term condition that occurs when a person has great difficulty coping with or adjusting to a particular source of stress like those mentioned above. It has also been referred to as adjustment disorder rather than true depression. However, that does not mean you should ignore it. If situational depression goes untreated, it could develop into major depression.

So, are you having a hard time coping with the unexpected?

Ask yourself if you have any of these symptoms of situational depression:

• Weight loss or gain — increase or decrease in appetite
• A depressed mood
• Not sleeping or sleeping too much
• Loss of pleasure in previously enjoyed activities
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feeling restless or slowed down
• Trouble concentrating or difficulty making decisions
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Feelings of excessive guilt 
• Recurrent thoughts of death, thoughts of suicide with or without a plan

AND

Have you had a stressful situation occur within the last three months before your symptoms developed?

AND

Do you think your symptoms are worse than expected, or are you having trouble functioning in your job, school, or social relationships?

Suppose you can answer yes to these questions. In that case, you probably are experiencing situational depression. You could benefit from therapy or, at the very least, some self-help efforts to make you feel better. These are all symptoms that both situational and clinical depression share. However, unlike clinical depression, where you are overwhelmed by symptoms for a long time, situational depression should disappear once you have adapted to your new situation. 

Tips to cope with the unexpected

Several ways you might find helpful to cope with depression following trauma are:

• Allowing yourself time to grieve. Don’t hide or deny your feelings.
• Talk to friends and family members about how you feel. Ask for support from people you trust.
• Keep to your daily routine. Even if you don’t feel like it, do your best to eat balanced meals and get plenty of rest.
• Stay physically active. Even light exercise, such as walking, can help minimize the physical effects of stress.
• Join a support group.
• Don’t use alcohol or illegal drugs to cope.
• Spend time doing things you enjoy (painting, working in your garden, watching a movie, spending time with friends, listening to music, or reading a book before bed instead of watching the news).

Seek help early on

The healing process after a traumatic event takes time, especially if you have experienced a personal loss.

Frequently, people who could benefit from therapy will not seek it because they think their reactions are normal and that they will pass or are ashamed of their emotions. While depression can be considered normal and experienced by almost everyone at some point in their lives, that does not mean you can’t benefit from help dealing with the situation causing your distress. Your perception and perspective of life and its circumstances often dictate your mood. If you can change your thoughts, you can change your feelings and behavior. That is where therapy can be of great help.

It has been found that people who are depressed because of difficulty adjusting to their new situation are often the ones who respond most quickly and successfully to treatment. Once they can isolate some of the stresses and causes of their depression, they feel relieved. However, sometimes it is the anguish that they are depressed and the feeling of being out of control that can worsen the situation—so knowing why can free them up to examine how they can improve their situational depression by thinking about the stress differently.

“Sometimes the most scenic roads in life are the detours you didn’t mean to take.” ― Angela N. Blount

Everyone, at some time in life, will face unexpected events. And most assuredly, some will be harder to navigate than others. But the above tips can make the whole process more manageable. However, if you want to learn additional skills to cope with the unexpected, working with a coach is a great way to do it. They can help you develop the skills and abilities to deal positively with whatever life puts in your path.

Hi, I’m Kris Henderson. I want you to know that I am here to help. If you want more personalized support, I invite you to contact me or schedule your phone call today. Together, we can work on strategies to help you move forward through any difficult situations you may be going through right now, as well as ones you may encounter in the future.

This article originally appeared on Counseling Solutions of West Michigan.

Have you ever felt caught in a continual loop of behavior that has had you asking, “Why me?” or saying, “Not again!”. At first, you might have seen the cycle of negative patterns as chance or bad luck, but as time passed, you had to question if you were doing something to attract those situations. We’ll look into that in a minute.

As you know, February kicks off with Groundhog Day on February 2. As a kid, I remember waiting with fingers crossed to see if Punxsutawney Phil was/was not going to see his shadow meaning six more weeks of winter or early spring. It never occurred to me that a rodent seeing his shadow in Pennsylvania had absolutely nothing to do with the weather in my neck of the woods (or elsewhere). Nevertheless, out of curiosity, even though I am older and wiser, I still check in to see if “ole Phil” sees his shadow. Of course, I always hope that he doesn’t. Old habits die hard, I guess!

Speaking of Groundhog Day, have you ever watched the movie titled Groundhog’s Day starring Bill Murray? Murray plays a snarky weatherman who’s forced to cover the story of the weather-forecasting rat (his words) in the small town of Punxsutawney, PA. Long story short, Murray’s character relives the same day repeatedly, driving him nuts until finally, one day, he wakes up to find that it’s February 3, allowing him to go on with his life.

EXAMPLES OF COMMON NEGATIVE PATTERNS

There are many speculations about the above story’s moral, but suffice it to say Bill Murray’s character kept repeating the same mistakes over and over again until one day, he finally got it right. Take a look below at some of the most common recurring negative behaviors and see if any of them look familiar.

• Habitually being late for appointments
• Being absent-minded
• Emotional eating, gaining weight, dieting, then gaining it back
• Attracting the same (wrong) type of people in your life that results in destructive relationships
• Constant issues with friends, family members, authorities
• Being financially irresponsible
• Sleeping late
• Not exercising even though you had planned to
• Getting into arguments or quickly losing your cool
• Procrastination, disorganization, inability to complete projects, or failure to meet deadlines.
• Staying too late at work, getting burnt out
• Addictions, recoveries, and relapses
• Any unwanted situation that repeats itself

BE AWARE OF YOUR PATTERNS

You can only change something if you’re conscious that it’s happening.

1. Identify Your Patterns

The first step to breaking a pattern is recognizing you’re in one. Next, look for something you keep repeatedly doing even though you have vowed not to do it anymore, such as hitting the snooze button too many times (causing you to be late), arguing with co-workers (relational issues), or impulse spending (being financially irresponsible). And the list could go on and on. 

Often the behavior is followed by complaining with the same intensity as if it was the first time it ever happened. Although you know it’s been going on for years. You make statements such as, “Why does this always happen to me?”, “I can’t believe I did that again!” or “People always treat me this way!”. As soon as you hear yourself say such phrases, pause and check yourself. You are probably in a cycle. You don’t have to keep going down that road, though. When you realize what’s going on, make a conscious decision to break it.

2. Getting to the root of the pattern

Like an iceberg, so much of who we are and why we do what we do is hidden below the surface. Getting to the root of the pattern will help explain the “why” you keep doing it. So when you find yourself repeating an unwanted pattern, ask yourself the following questions:

• What makes you feel like doing it?
• Where are you when you feel like doing it?
• When do you do it?
• Who makes you feel like doing it?

You will find that the root cause isn’t external but stems from your thoughts, emotions, personality, choices, beliefs, or past. Sometimes, decisions have been made early in life to cope with or survive an existing situation. Those decisions can often be carried on into adulthood even though the difficult circumstances are no longer present. But, then, on an unconscious level, they stand in the way of achieving what you desire in life.

Understanding the reasons and emotions behind your behavior will help you focus on how to work through the issues. Because all the behaviors are yours alone, you hold the key and the power to change them.

3. Breaking the pattern

Here’s where the work really begins as you take some action steps. Instead of repeating the pattern as if on autopilot, respond more thoughtfully. Choose to react differently. In other words, do something different from what you have always done at that moment. Yes, it will initially feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but be encouraged; it will lead to more favorable outcomes. 

Be patient with yourself as you work through this process. You only develop your patterns after some time. Therefore, it is unrealistic to think you will overcome unwanted habits overnight. But, just like any other personal development technique, the more you do it, the easier it will become. There’s liberation ahead!

“If you change nothing, nothing will change.” — Tony Robbins

As for me? Now that I have identified my pattern of relying on Punxsutawney Phil “pfft!” to bring me an early spring, I’m going to break that pattern this year. Oh Yeah! From now on, I will be celebrating “Hoodie-Hoo Day” on February 20. What is Hoodie-Hoo day, you ask? Well, let me tell you. Hoodie-Hoo Day is a holiday somebody created to chase away winter and make way for spring. So you go outside at high noon, wave your hands over your head and yell, “Hoodie-Hoo!” And nope, I didn’t just make that up. It’s an actual holiday! Look it up. Hey, what do I have to lose, right?

Okay, being serious now, we all have patterns in our life, don’t we? And yes, some are just a silly nuisance, but others can be negative behaviors causing troublesome issues. 

If you are at the place where you want to stop the negative patterns and replace them with positive ones, I believe you can use the steps above to make some much-needed changes in your life. However, while it’s good to solve problems on our own, sometimes we all can use a little help. And working with a coach can be a great way to help you stay motivated to reach success. 

Hi, I’m Kris Henderson. I want you to know that I am here to help. If you desire more personalized support, I invite you to contact me or schedule your phone call today. 

This article originally appeared on Counseling Solutions of West Michigan.

And just like that, with a flip of the calendar, we’re off to a rolling start of a new year. And that provides us the opportunity for a “do-over” or a “fresh start,” if you will. So whether you left last year with more of a “Good riddance” than a “Sorry to see you go” kind of attitude, it’s still the perfect time to plan for success in the new year. 

Now to be clear, I’m not talking about New Year’s resolutions here. Those rarely are carried out past the first couple of weeks anyway. I’m talking about looking ahead with a sense of expectancy and setting goals on want you want to accomplish in the new year, THE WHOLE YEAR, and even beyond! 

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, a famous french writer, once said, “A goal without a plan is just a wish.” So, unfortunately, you can wish for something to happen, but in all reality, it is up to you to make it happen. 

HOW TO PLAN FOR SUCCESS

You are in the driver’s seat. So obviously, you need to make a plan and carry it out. But first, you must reflect on the past year and then decide what to do to make 2023 the best it can be for you.

TAKE A GLANCE BACK

Think of 2022 as a parking space you pulled into, like at the grocery store. You had a purpose for going there, but now it’s time to leave. To get out of the parking space, you first have to check your car’s rearview mirror to back out so you can go forward to the next place on your “To do” list.

EVALUATE THE PREVIOUS YEAR

Everyone approaches a new year with different emotions. Some might look back with regret or sadness about things done or not done. Others might not want to let it go because it was a good year for them. I have experienced both scenarios. And that probably goes for everyone else reading this blog. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself and thoughts of reflections that you might find helpful in planning for success in the new year:

• What would you say was the best thing that happened to you in the past year?
• What was the most challenging thing you had to deal with?
• Pick three words to describe the past year.
• What relationships would you say you spent the most valuable time with?
• What was your biggest time waster in the past year?
• What activities would you say were worth your time spent?

MOVING FORWARD IN THE NEW YEAR

So now you’ve looked into the rearview mirror and noted what obstacles might have been in your path over the past year. Next, it’s time to map out the direction you want to take to move forward. Here are some helpful suggestions for you to get you on your way.

• Celebrate your accomplishments of the past year.
• Make a list of what is important to you emotionally, professionally, spiritually, and physically. 
• Pick three words to describe what you want to focus on in the next year.
• Come up with a plan to cultivate the relationships that are important to you.
• Weed out activities that robbed you of time that could have been spent on more worthwhile and productive things.
• Remember, you might have to check your rearview or side mirror once in a while if you need to change lanes to get where you want to be.
• You’re on a lifelong journey. Take your time, or you will likely get overwhelmed. Stop off on the side of the road periodically and take a minute to smell the flowers along the way. And remember to pat yourself on the back for your effort and accomplished deeds. 

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD TO SUCCESS

Here is some advice to remember as you travel your road to success. 

• While carrying out your plan throughout the new year, circumstances outside your control may thwart your objectives. That’s just how life goes. But not to worry, for there’s a saying I heard long ago from an unknown author: “Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not become broken.” 
• It’s okay if you have to tweak your plan here or there. The main thing is to stick to your plan and keep working towards the goals you made to the best of your ability.
• Don’t get discouraged along the way. You will find that consistent and effective effort will lead to success. 

“Plan for the future because that’s where you are going to spend the rest of your life.” — Mark Twain

Having a plan for success means you intend to go somewhere or do something. And there’s no time like the present to get started. Wouldn’t you agree? And working with a coach is a great way to help you stay motivated for higher achievement in your plan for success. 

Hi, I’m Kris Henderson, LPC. I want you to know that I am here to help. If you want more personalized support, I invite you to contact me or schedule your phone call today. And here’s to a fresh start and your plan for success!

This article originally appeared on Counseling Solutions of West Michigan.

Autumn is here, and I can deny it no longer seems how the calendar and the weather are now in cahoots with one another (sigh). I sigh because I love and live for summer, so I wring as much out of it as possible. Now because my usual modus operandi involves kicking and screaming into the colder months, I always have to talk sternly with myself to deal with it. How about you? Do you notice changes in emotions this time of year? How about other times of the year?

Are you one of those who get giddy at the first hint of crisp air and buy anything with the word pumpkin in it? Or do you go into a deep sense of mourning and want to hibernate until spring? For the latter, I feel your pain.

I’m sure you have observed how people approach this season or at different times of the year with vastly different views. But have you ever noticed how and when your feelings come at certain times of the year? 

What could the calendar have to do with changes in my emotions?

A leading Harvard psychiatrist, Dr. John Sharp, who wrote a book titled “The Emotional Calendar,” believes he has some answers. In his practice of over 20 years, he has seen many patients with specific and deep emotional reactions tied to the calendar. His book reveals how the seasons can profoundly shape our emotional lives. 

We all have personal experiences that have conditioned our emotional responses, and we probably don’t even realize it. However, we are keenly aware that at particular months, holidays, or seasons our mood changes in a way that sometimes we don’t understand and can’t quite pinpoint the reason.

It’s troublesome at particular times of the year when our changes in emotions do not coincide with expected feelings. These connections are often tied to memories of significant events in our lives. Such as the loss of a loved one, parental divorce, personal struggles, or holiday-related family gatherings. Or, it might have been a pattern that played out over many years, and if those years were early in life, it was especially bound to have left an impact. These emotions then seep from the past into the present. Dr. Sharp explains that everyone has “emotional hotspots” in times that are indelibly tied to their past.

What are emotional hotspots?

These emotions are a form of pattern recognition. Your mind makes sense of your experiences without you really thinking about them. For adults, positive and negative memories become “triggers” that cause feelings from the past to emerge.

Some emotions lay dormant until your senses stir up the memories. It might be a certain smell, a song that you hear, or walking outside and feeling the chill in the air. Whatever it is, we all have these experiences that are unique to us. 

For example, as a child, I always enjoyed going to Vacation Bible School in the summer. I especially loved craft time. And to this day, whenever I smell burlap, I am instantly transported back to a youngster at the craft table. Or, when a certain “oldie” starts playing on the radio, I remember the feelings of being a broken-hearted teenager. It’s amazing how our brain encodes our unique memories, catalogs those collections, and cross-references those events.

It’s a great feeling when the memories are pleasant. But what do we do when the memories are not so lovely? Especially when the calendar gives us a yearly reminder. While we cannot change the events in our past, we can replace our usual changes in emotions by purposely altering our responses to those memories. Each one of us has lived through emotionally hard and trying times. And to be honest, some people have had more than their fair share. However, our brains need not be chained to memories keeping us a prisoner to past circumstances.

Be proactive with your emotional health

Here’s an example of how a family friend decided that a sad situation wouldn’t become an “emotional hotspot” for her. My friend’s sister fell ill with cancer. After becoming apparent her sister was terminal, my friend took her into her home to care for her. As you can imagine, the family endured months of emotional turmoil until she eventually passed away.

Thanksgiving was going to be the first holiday without the sister. She knew it would be hard on the family to celebrate it in the same living room where their loved one had just died weeks before. Therefore, she rented a place that provided space to cook a meal, play games, and go on a hayride. She had determined to start a new tradition. By allowing the family to continue to share memories and laugh with each other, they were also making new memories, helping them all cope with the loss. That was over ten years ago, and this Thanksgiving, their “new” tradition continues. Something born out of sorrow has now become a special time for their family.

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Working with a coach can be beneficial in helping you recognize how your changes in emotions might be affected by personal, cultural, and environmental changes throughout the year. In addition, a coach can help you discover the techniques needed to manage those moods and deal with them successfully. A negative mindset need not be set in stone.

Hi, I’m Kris Henderson, LPC. I want you to know that I am here to help. If you want more personalized support, I invite you to contact me or make an appointment online. Together, we can work on which strategies will work best for you to manage your emotions so you can enjoy any season that is at hand.

This article originally appeared on Counseling Solutions of West Michigan.